Selfless or Senseless

Children are Selfless

Children are silly.

very common comments.

I was selfless and was of course silly.
In third grade.
It was the result announcement ceremony
A friend of mine who later became my best friend, got first position
as soon as this was announced, I felt happy and began clapping with joy
I didn't even feel that hes the one who stood first not me

In those exams I got good percentage but didn't get any position.
but I was still happy
perhaps then I didn't know what jealousy is
yes I did know competition but not jealousy or hatred
normally children are born without this gift
they get it from parents and surroundings.

that evening I told my mom: Mom do u know that my friend got first position I am so happy
she got flared up and said: shame on you. Why didn't you get that position?

I stood silent for a moment.
Trying to figure out that did i really make a mistake or is Mom wrong?
But I had always been told that Parents are never wrong only children are wrong.
So I got it that I was wrong

That was my first lesson of the course called "Hypocrisy"
I learned it.

learned it by heart.


But I still don't know that whether it was "selflessness" or "senselessness"
I still don't know......................

something Unusual

In those days I was living in hostel in Khi, doing my Intermediate.

I used to visit my friends whenever I get a weekend leave.

my leave used to be from Friday after noon till Sunday evening.

I used to spend all this time with my best childhood friend.

our favorite sitting place was the railway platform near our home.

we would sit there for hours.

we discuss everything

from John keats to Sa'aadat Hassan munto, and from politics to religion, all the new things that were taking place

those were amazing times

we were carefree

but still there was some restlessness

there was some empty space in me

there was something that I was lacking

I tried to figure what this thing is ?

what that thing could be ?

That big question mark started hurting me.

irritation and pain got unbearable

I started looking for a refuge

one day when I was returning to my hostel after sports time in evening

It was the time for Maghrib prayers

A friend of mine said: ابے کافر کبھی تو بھی نماز پڑھ لیا کر

for a moment I laughed and then I decided

lets try.

I felt very light and easy after prayers

then after dinner i went for Isha and on and on.....................

It was a good experience that i was having

and I didn't notice in those days that, that Question mark had gone

I was feeling satisfied and content.

I used to think about running away from all this.

But I never realised that i can not

The fate/destiny will not let me.............

I was unaware if HIS power.

But I tried a lot

جن کے پیروں میں بھنور بندھے ھوں وہ کہاں بھاگ سکتے ھیں۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔۔

Love............

Life for me has never been very lovely or enjoyable.

All my childhood I have always tried to stay away from home and its dwellers. Dont know why but I have never been able to develop any strong feelings for anyone. In other words I cant be sincere. It has always been painful for me to stay close to home.

Perhaps because I was the youngest in the house, and I was supposed to show obedience. I never came up to their expectations. I have always hated the way I have been treated. They wanted me to listen silently, not to utter a word, accept every thing.

Many a times it would have been my fault. But at the same time they were also at fault.

I could do all those things. but I didnt. Not because I didnt want to. But because they didnt know the method to made me accept their superiority.

There was sheer wildness, violence and barbarism in me. And the only way to tame that beast within me was to deal it with Love, emotions.

The violence in me prevailed for a long time till I reached the end of my teenage.

the restlessness in me was was spreading.

That restlessness was taking me over. And I couldn't help it.

I could no longer keep myself isolated, selfish.

I was changing.

Someone was changing me.

skinning me alive.

The pain got unbearable.

and when I was helpless and couldn't find any solution. I bent down. broken, hurt, injured.

I felt coward.

But later I realized that it was not cowardliness it was my instinct.

The only thing that could mold/melt me was LOVE. sheer love, with all its purity.

But there was perhaps no one who could understand this simple thing.

no one

No one was wiling to lend me Love

No one.............

And I was too ashamed to ask for some.

A strong outer shell was another hindrance.

The only being I could ask for something, and could bend before and could tell all my problems was HE, The Almighty.

I turned towards HIM. Though i didn't changed. I didn't leave anything, even a single bad habit. rather I used to pray to HIM for help and save me from any disgrace.

And it always resulted in a halt. After praying whenever I wanted to do anything bad automatically the previlage of doing that deed would be taken away from me.

I was liking HIM I began to like Him..........................................